The number of single people living alone makes up nearly a third of our population. You would think that there would be an entire line of products designed just for them. Specifically, food products. I’d have to eat 4 banana sandwiches a day in order to eat a whole loaf of bread before the expiration date. A better solution would be that one third (in proportion to the single population) of all bread loaves would be baked at half size.  Most weeks I end up tossing nearly half a loaf of stale crumbs to the birds from my back porch. 

Same thing with bacon, cheese, lunch meat, and even oatmeal. I recently checked the date on an old oatmeal box I found in the back of a cabinet and discovered it had been there for 2 years. And that single-serving packet isn’t oatmeal. I’m not sure what it is. The only things geared toward single folks are the vegetables in those cool little cans on aisle 5 at Ingles and a few tasteless TV dinners.

Once I get my groceries home and make the two trips necessary to get them inside, I must put them all away and then cook, eat, and then clean up the dishes and the nasty kitchen. What a pain. I know from experience that two can eat cheaper than one and things go smoother when chores are shared. That isn’t happening right now but I’m working on it. The girlfriends I’ve had lately have all been bat-poop crazy, so I’ve raised my standards. This in turn has narrowed the field dramatically.

Two and a half million years ago when humans first started eating meat, a man’s days were filled with the accomplishment of only one goal: finding food. There was no preservation technology, so every meal had to be a fresh catch.  He’d leave early in the morning and sneak up on wild cattle, young saber tooth tigers, or red deer and hopefully bring down a meal with a well-aimed spear. Then he would have to clean his kill with a sharp stone and drag the carcass back home. He then had to find dry wood and set it afire by creating a spark with a couple of rocks. After cutting and cooking the meat, and consuming what was probably a tasty meal, he had to clean up all that mess. By then, it was time to rustle up some lunch. And when that was over: supper. If he had little cave babies crawling around in the dirt and a cavewoman constantly nagging him about a better and bigger cave, his stress level was even greater. 

Out of curiosity, and being a single man, I did a Google search and asked Alexa for “items for single people”. The first item that popped up was for a “boyfriend pillow”. Amazon alone produced 38,000 results for this incredibly popular product. It is a pillow designed for single women with the same shape and size of a man’s torso. It comes dressed in a shirt or a pajama top with only one arm that is permanently positioned in the shape of a warm embrace where a lady can lay her head on a lonely night and feel wanted and loved. One size fits all. The cost for one of these comforting pillows is under $40 but for $10 extra, a lonesome lady can get one with bulging muscles if she has a need to feel extra secure. Men can order a female version of the pillow that comes either with or without a blouse. There aren’t any you can order that match my small physique. Sorry, ladies. But I’m sure any old Teddy bear will achieve the same results. 

Another companion for a single gentleman is a product known as “Grow a Girlfriend“. They advertise her as never complaining or nagging. Sounded like a good deal after what I’ve through, and I was thinking about ordering one of my own, but I’m not quite ready to make that kind of a commitment. Besides, my new girlfriend would show up at my door at a height of only 2 inches. She would begin to grow six times that within 2 hours once submerged in water, but still, at only 12 inches tall, she would never be able to reach the sink. Another drawback is once she’s removed from water, she begins to shrink. She’d have to spend all her time in the hot tub.

In my extensive search, there were also a lot of sites for singles looking for singles. I’ve never tried one of these sites.  I’m afraid I might be laying my charm on some stinky old man in dirty underwear posing as the girl of my dreams, trying to get my money. Other than that, I found little using the key phrase “items for singles”.  Not even Alexa cares.

 

Steve Reece is a contributing writer for the Reporter and a known crime fighter. Email him at stevereece@gmail.com.